Moments

There are certain moments in time that need memorializing, no, deserve memorializing. Here I sit, at my computer in the first room I ever lived in in my Clareview condo, contemplating how fast my single life on this planet has come to an end.

Of course, it's two in the morning and I can't sleep. Actually, who am I kidding, I don't want to. I don't want tomorrow to come and go as fast as I know that it will. I anticipate the smiles on people's faces, and the joy that I will feel (something that is too rare nowadays, and not just with me.) I will see my parents cry, my relatives attempt to dance, and my friends drink more liquor than they probably should.

I anticipate ahead of time that there will be a moment in all of this chaos, where I will look from the head table around at those who are most important to me on this planet, and feel the sense of calmness and serenity that is wholly inappropriate for the circumstances, but right nonetheless, as it will be a reflection of the pride I have, the pride I have in where I come from, where I've been, and who I am today. That was a long sentence... I wonder if it is grammatically correct... The bonus is that I get to have this moment of accomplishment sitting next to the most handsome man I know. The uber bonus is that if everything turns out right, at that time we will share a common name.

This week has been a whirlwind, from throat infection to birthday and bar call. Many have remarked at how crazy I have made this week for myself. I have thought of this, and find it funny, as this is how I have done things for as long as I can remember. When it comes to events, parties and life changes, go big or go home. It's like a band-aid analogy, only with a positive spin (yes, there can be a positive spin on ripping a band-aid off of a semi-healed wound).

Oh, the girls have gotten quiet - it may really be time for me to go to bed. You see, some of my closest friends (sadly, one missing, but that is how life changes as we age... eek - I'm almost 30) are sleeping in the master bedroom of my condo right now. Yep, all four of us are having a girls night, eating junk (dear G - please let my dress fit) and watching the dumbest movie of all time. At least we were, until it was 2 in the morning, and sleep became more important than calories.

It's funny, there's so much I want to say, yet I'm struggling. Rarely do I struggle with words, even at 2 am (yep, it's been a 20 hour day). I'm trying to capture this moment in a picture made of words, to look at years down the line, when such a big day becomes remembered by a simple romantic dinner at home, (or a blow-out vacation on Turks & Caicos when we grow old... and wealthy). Drawing a picture with words is not an easy task (though one I have to get much better at in order to fulfill the T&C fantasy!)

So... what's going through my head right now (yep folks, the bare, honest and brutal truth):

1. Oh dear, I've pulled in a 20 hour day, which means I will likely have a migraine tomorrow. That will ruin my wedding. How will I push through it?
2. The redbull is in the fridge, right?
3. I hope I don't forget my vows (remember... 11 lines, and count them on your fingers).
4. I wonder how the rum and coke T.J. is drinking out of a coffee pot at the Delta is tasting? Perhaps he will be more hurting than I.
5. What the heck did I ever do to end up with such a handsome, successful, and (gulp) normal man?
6. Forever sure is a hell of a long time.
7. I wonder what our kids will look like?
8. I can always sleep in Hawaii.
...
9. Hopefully that brief pause was a sign of sleepiness... nope. Damn.
10. The quiet at 2 am is remarkably refreshing.
11. I can't wait to see him smile. I hope my vows make him cry. I hope his vows make him cry, but not too much... a manly cry, no gratuitous weeping.

So there you have it, what I think about on the night (ha ha - morning) of our wedding.

During the dress rehearsal there was a full double rainbow in the sky. Was it a sign? The humble part of me doesn't want to admit that I have any significance to anyone with the power to make a rainbow, let alone two of them. The dreamer in me says "I knew you'd come" in response.

My final thoughts drift to those in my life who could not make it. Not those who are across the country, or stuck working, as those are positions that are full of life and consequence. We all have to live, our wedding does not stop the passage of time for the world, just me and T.J. I think of those who would have not missed it for the world, had they still walked it. Perhaps the tendency towards the morbid has roots in my childhood, or those traumatic teenage years. Perhaps it's the joy I get in thinking that they're not really gone, but silent observers at the happiest day of my life, as of yet. It may be a soft warm hug, telling me that there are things that go so much deeper than a dress, flowers, centre-pieces and fireworks, but that for the time being, it is perfectly OK to focus on these diversions as the even the fundamental tapestry of time gets to celebrate and party occasionally.

Time to attempt to sleep. I await some epic dreams.